Me and my sis of course causing alot of that, we both have jobs we hate.. need new ones.. and my parents spend alot of time pushing us to do something about it,.. we definitely don't do as much as we could around the house, but I can guarantee anyone that I do try. Although I figure alot of it has to do with my personality and just, the way I am around people, the way I react to certain things.
I know I have some issues, that I'd definitely like to resolve, but I'm really unsure how. A little while back it was brought to my attention from a good friend that I complain too much, and I took note, and I honestly thing I've fixed that for the most part. Of course, everyone will complain about certain things, and so I can't be perfect on that, but for all intensive purposes, it'll do.
Now another problem seems to be that I argue too much. I guess I can't deny it really, but when I think about it, there are only certain times I'll argue, and with certain people. Anything that I have a strong opinion about, or strong thoughts on, I'll argue to the death and noone will ever convince me otherwise without specific proof. Doesn't matter who that is. But there are other times when I really shouldn't say anything because it's not a big deal, but for some reason, at the time, I don't see it that way, and I do make a big deal out of it.
Ie.. on the weekend, after my dad finished laying down the hardwoods in our house, with my boss as an assistant.. damnit.., my boss suggested I should take the tool they used back to the hardware store the next morning since I was working that day anyways. Somehow I took that personally and assumed my boss was just trying to be an ass the way he always is. Apparently that was a mistake, and I got in a bit of an argument with my mom about it. I was willing to go do it anyways, but the fact that I argued why I was doing it caused problems I couldn't have forseen at the time, but should've.
And so it's just little things like that, and I wish I could stop, but I honestly don't know how. I need someone to be beside me all day and say 'Shut up, you're doing it again' because when the times comes, I won't notice it. Eventually I'll learn, will some help, but until then I don't know what to do.. I can't just avoid talking all together, but at the same time, if I don't make certain things known, I'll be living my life just doing what others tell me to do, and my own personal character can't handle that. I won't do things if I think someone else is just being lazy, I'll just to conclusions at times, I'll argue with someone whether I know they're right or not, depending on how they portray their thoughts on it.
I want to stop, please help me stop. I can't do it on my own.
Other problems include what appears to be general laziness on my part. From their perspective, sometimes they'll come home, the kitchen will be a mess, stuff should've been done that hasn't been done. And no doubt, my sister is as guilty as me for that, and they recognize it. But they don't see the whole story, just as I'm sure I don't see their side of it. They know what it's like to relax when they need to, to have time off, be free to do whatever, go enjoy good times with friends, well, I don't share that with them. If someone asked me what it's like to enjoy those benefits, I couldn't honestly answer, because it doesn't happen often enough. I go to school all day, try to relax all night but can't because I have to make up for things not done during the day, and then work all weekend. Sure I get a few moments to myself, but only with stuff like this on my mind,.. hardly relaxing. So I don't think they see my side of it. After school all day, I just want to come home, and relax. If I get the option to enjoy some fun with friends, I might take it, but like my parents, unless there's a specific occasion calling for it, I won't go looking for it, which is kinda stupid.. I should be trying to have as much fun as I can, while I can. Problem is, I think I'm past the time where I can. I'm at the age where that's all I should be doing, enjoying the best of both worlds, but that times has passed. Now all I do is think of school, work my ass off to get good grades to please my parents (lord knows I don't want them to see me leave another school for another program), and try to earn enough money to make it by.
It's all pretty tough, and I know they know what I have to do, but I don't know if they realize what effect it has on me. But I'll try not to be a hipocrit. I'm the same way with their lives. I don't know entirely what they do with work, what their stress level is like, all I see is the home time.
Anyways, I'm trying not to use all this as an excuse for being lazy at home, but at the present, I can't find a reason for why I am. All I know is when I get home, I just want to relax, and so I try, and it works until they get home shortly after. Then it's just orders to do this and that, we'll feed you, you'll clean it up, and then you'll do this. Sounds just like a job. I have no say in what I can or cannot do, if I refuse, there's hell to pay, and so I argue and try to get away with it, and works, but only to hurt my parents, and I want that to stop. So again, I don't know how to fix it without becoming someone who I'm not, I need help.
I've noticed that I can't tell how they think of me and my sis. They still refer to us as 'the kids' because thats how they'd still like to view us, but at the same time we're not making enough money, we're not doing enough on our own, so either way it goes, it's not what they want. If we make the effort and get things done as adults, it makes them glad on that regard, but then they lose their view of us a kids, and if we try to lay back and take it easy and enjoy life like kids, they get angry at us for not acting like adults, and so we can't win.
Of course they knew what it was like to be our age, but not at these times with these kinds of problems resting on their shoulders. The problems of the modern times where everyone is more free to do what they wish, but are still trapped in every day life.
I'm also sure my personality has a bit to do with it. I'm not always the easiest to get along with, as I gather you could figure so far, but I do try. There's nothing I hate more than making people angry, yet I'm sure I do it every day. But you can't please everyone, and I guess I probably choose to please myself over anyone else. I also know I seem pretty to myself alot of the time, I can recognize that, but I'm sure that has to do alot with that stupid Freud thing. I can't really remember what it's called, sort of a self-defence for your mind. Certain things come up, and to prevent you from becoming hurt or scared, your mind puts up these walls to prevent them from affecting you. Anyways, I'm sure I've got a few of these walls, as most probably do, and I'm sure everyone needs help to break them down.
And so I'll walk around with this emotionless look on my face, and appear to not take in anything that goes on around me. People will talk to me, I'll sit there staring blankly ahead, not looking at them.. I'll respond to show that I am listening, and depending on my mood and the topic, I'll actually get more involved. I don't know what the deal is with that, it's just how I act. I'm sure it bothers some people.. or at least I'm deluded enough to think that people actually think about me on any level while I'm not around.
There are also things I won't say often because I'm not accustomed to saying them, things as simple as "Thank You".. or even people's names for that matter. I was of course taught to say thank you, but it always felt forced because your parents told you to do it. I think that thought got stuck in my head or somethin.. I'll say thanks, but that's less formal, less accepting to someone else I'd think as a formal thank you, but it's hard for me to hear me say otherwise, I'm not sure why, it just is. I don't smile enough, and it's not that I'm not happy, because honestly, as much as this seems like alot, I'm generally a happy guy, whether I show it or not. I just think alot, and it leaves my face emotionless, which probably appears as something else to different people.
While I'm talking about personal problems, I'll try one last one. I have this huge issue with answering questions, but again, it's situation dependant. Usually I'll answer parents questions.. not always... I hate answering my sister's question, that's a whole 'nother story. People I think should be less ignorant and should know things, I wont' answer their questions. If it's a useful question and someone honestly needs help, I'll lend a helping hand, I try not to be a jerk if I can. So I've noticed this question problem, and try to get around it, I just want to push any prevalent thoughts out of the way, and help out whoever, but certain things just say no, and then I come out and say 'Screw you, figure it out on your own'.. or somethin to that effect.. probably less harsh.. I might just ignore you.. or just nod or shake my head, but that's still a problem I wish I could rectify.
I think this is all good stuff, this is like a psychiatrist who doesn't know anything about psychiatry. I can bounce things off of here, get things out in the open like you would talking to a psychiatrist. The difference being, should I get any responses, it's people's uneducated opinion, and don't get me wrong, I love advice from people, I love giving advice to people, but that's what this seems like. I already feel better for just getting this out of my head and making these things known to my concious self.
I don't think I'll go on any more though,.. I've been writing non-stop for half an hour now, need a break, need some food (which I guess I'll be cooking myself tonite since my parents don't feel like it.. because of me.).. (btw, it's not only me that's causing these problems, its a multitude of factors.. me and my sis just happen to be a large portion of those factors).. but thanks for hearing me out thus far, assuming you didn't just skip to the end to find out the answer to whatever question you want answered.. (i don't have the answer)
keep in mind, I like advice.. hint hint
